The NFL's Priorities?

"MODERN TIMES"

Lloyd Garver

Now that the NFL season has started, not only are we able to see 300-pound men smashing into each other, but for the first time, we are able to witness the implementation of the most important new rule in the history of organized sports. We are all tired of reading about overpaid players who get in drunken brawls, use drugs, are abusive to women, or commit violent crimes. Obviously, the NFL does not condone this kind of behavior. However, these were not the issues addressed by the owners at their off-season meetings in Palm Desert, California. Instead, the NFL had the courage to step in where other sport leagues fear to tread: they banned bandanas.

The new rules prohibit players from wearing kerchiefs and bandanas at games. Upon hearing the big news, the question that came to my mind was, "Why?" I thought that perhaps the owners had simply spent too much time out in the desert sun. However, I found no evidence to support this hypothesis -- although I know that was the case years ago when they first okayed artificial turf.

I knew there must be another explanation. Then I realized that like all great thinkers, the league owners are probably students of history. Since the beginning of time, headgear has had an important influence on culture. Turbans, feathered headdresses, and bejeweled crowns have always said a great deal about the wearer. Soon after President Kennedy decided to go hatless at his inauguration, American men and women stopped wearing hats. And soon after Americans abandoned hats, people in this country felt energized, more positive about society, and even adventurous enough to travel to the moon. All of America smiled once we were freed from the fedora. Meanwhile, as the Russians continued to wear their fur hats, their economy was disastrous, they banged their shoes on United Nations tables, and they always seemed to be scowling. Coincidence? I don't think so.

The most significant innovation in headwear in recent years is, of course, the backward baseball cap. And look at what has happened since young people and people who are pretending to be young started wearing their caps backwards: sheep were cloned, we had the weirdest Presidential election in history, and television has been flooded by something called, "reality shows." All of this because some kid got dressed in a hurry one morning and forgot to check himself out in the mirror.

If the backwards cap can be responsible for so much, it's impossible to predict what changes will be brought about in our society by the bandana ban. Maybe diseases will be cured, maybe taxes will be outlawed, maybe socks will stop disappearing from the dryer. These are exciting times we live in, especially if we look at the big picture. While it might have been nice if the NFL had addressed moral, social, and legal issues, the impact of the headwear ban, in their wisdom, was obviously more important. And this might just be the beginning. I'm a pretty positive person, so I think it's possible that at next year's league meetings, they won't waste time on things like steroid use or community involvement, and might actually tackle the next logical significant issue. Yes, in our lifetime we may see a ruling that will prohibit players from appearing in public unless their shirts are tucked in. We can only dream about what positive effect that will have on our society.