"MODERN
TIMES"
DON'T BE BOWLED OVER BY BOWL GAMES
By
Lloyd Garver
'Tis the season to dull all your senses by watching football bowl games. In the past, there were only a few ways to know if you've been watching too many games and should turn off the television: either you realize that your last three meals have consisted of food you've found between the cushions of the couch, the phone rings and you answer it, "defense wins ballgames," or you suddenly notice that the rest of your family packed up and moved out of the house about a day and a half ago. However, there is finally a way to know that you've had too much football before it's too late. It's called the LGBS -- the Lloyd Garver Bowl System.
All you have to do is print out the following list of football clichés, attempts at cleverness, and "obviousisms." Then check them off as you hear each of them. When you have heard them all, it's time to quit. Obviously, a second party who doesn’t want to lose a loved one to an overdose of bowl games can also do the checking.
_______ If we can just take their minds off the danger and seriousness of what they are pursuing, even for a few hours, then we have done our job.
_______ This might not be the Sugar Bowl, but to these kids, this is the
biggest game of the year.
_______Today we're going to see just how smart those computers are.
_______He's listed at 320, but that's before breakfast.
_______It's a pretty simple game. All you have to do is score more points than the other guys.
_______There are only five minutes left, but in football, five minutes is a lifetime.
_______He's not just fast, he's quick.
_______Considering what this young man has been through in his short lifetime, he is truly an inspiration.
_______I don't think we'll ever see a playoff system in college football.
_______We'll be seeing a playoff system in college football before too long.
_______There are only three minutes left, but in football, three minutes is a lifetime.
_______The officials take a lot of criticism, but they usually get it right.
_______Momentum has definitely shifted.
_______It all comes down to which team wants to win it more.
_______He has great speed and strength, but more importantly, he has something great right behind the ribs.
_______Let's hope his legal problems are behind him.
_______There's no quit in this team.
_______I would have gone for the field goal, but maybe that's why I'm up here and the coaches are down there.
_______His biggest cheerleader is that little kid in the hospital, and he is that little kid's biggest cheerleader.
_______I know it's a felony, but I think of it more as just boys being boys.
_______It's a shame somebody has to lose this game.
_______You gotta go home with who brung you to the dance.
_______They're no longer playing to win. Now they're playing not to lose.
_______There are only two minutes left, but in football, two minutes is a lifetime.
_______This might be a mismatch on paper, but they don't play the game on paper.
_______It's only a yard, but it's a long yard.
_______If this game goes into overtime, either team could win.
Okay, if you have checked all of the above statements, turn off the television immediately -- even if you're in the middle of an exciting game. Well, I guess you could just watch the end of that one game. After all, "there is no tomorrow."
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