CANDIDATE

"MODERN TIMES"

COUNT ME OUT FOR 2004

Lloyd Garver

I find myself a member of a distinct minority right now. I'm one of the few people in this country who is not running for President.

I've made this decision as I make all of my decisions -- based not just on what is best for me, but on what is best for the country.

I have so little in common with the other candidates that I don't know if I could compete with them. For example, I'm not someone who went to Yale and Harvard, whose dad was the head of the CIA and then President, and whose family made a fortune in oil, but can say with a perfectly straight face that I'm "just folks," and "I'm an outsider" when it comes to Washington D.C. I've never been involved in a scandal, on or off a boat. I don't blame Hollywood for everything. I've never exploited racial tensions. I've never signed more death warrants than any previous governor of my state.

I was not part of a defeated ticket that ran the worst Presidential campaign in history. I haven't written a self-serving autobiography. I didn't marry a ketchup heiress. And finally, I might as well admit it because it's going to come out eventually: I have no heart problems and I'm in excellent health.

Some of you will think it's sour grapes, but even if by some miracle of Floridian proportions, I could win the election, I'm not sure I'd be happy in the job.

First of all, I don't think I'd want to live in the White House. I've lived in older homes my entire adult life. They may be charming, but they all have problems. That big old house is bound to have a leaky roof or a toilet that -- like many of its residents -- just keeps running.

Also, I don't mind a houseguest now and then, but it seems like somebody is always sleeping over at the White House. When I'm going to the kitchen in my underwear in the middle of the night, I don't want to bump into some ambassador from some country I never heard of or a tobacco lobbyist with a bad cough.

Then there's the Secret Service. I don't want those people following me into the men's room. I'd be standing there for hours, doing nothing, with those guys looking over my shoulder and clearing their throats.

You have to give a big speech every year or so and be prepared to pause every few seconds so everyone can clap. And then there are those press conferences where reporters ask how you feel about the world's major issues. What's it their business, how I feel? Presidents don't always care what the people think, so why should the people care what the President thinks?

On the positive side, the pay is good. President Bush makes $400,000 a year. That's twice as much as President Clinton was paid, but Bush probably needs it. He's shown us that he's a pretty big spender.

And then there's the big perk, the one that politicians don't like to talk about, but all lust after -- free postage.

Sure, it's tempting to run, but I'm very comfortable with my decision. However, I am leaving the door open for the possibility of running in 2008 -- if that's what the people want. That ggives me five years to become more qualified. That's plenty of time to work on my two-facedness and my obfuscation skills. I should be able learn things like why nuclear weapons are evil except for the ones we have, how to root for both teams in the World Series, and where the President gets all those pens he gives away. Who knows? By then, maybe the White House will have a new roof.