Creepy, Crawly Medicine

"MODERN TIMES"

CREEPY, CRAWLY MEDICINE

Lloyd Garver

There is a disgusting trend in medicine these days, and I'm not talking about that long line at your HMO, the bill you just paid, or those old magazines in the waiting room. Doctors are now using leeches and maggots to treat various ailments.

When I read that researchers have determined that leeches are effective in treating arthritic knees, I realized that maybe leeches have simply been victims of a bad press. They are also being used by surgeons to help heal incisions. So, maybe leeches are really our friends.

Maggots were used in the Civil War to clean wounds and speed up healing. Today, more than 200 hospitals in the United States and Europe prescribe maggots for their patients. Approximately 5000 maggots are delivered to hospitals in the United States every week. This contrasts with approximately zero good-tasting chicken sandwiches that are served in hospital cafeterias every week.

For all we know, leeches and maggots might not be the only creepy creatures that can be used medicinally. Maybe in the not-too-distant future, I'll be with someone who is about to step on a cockroach, and then I'll yell, "Don't step on that! I feel a headache coming on."

I'm pleased that doctors have been open-minded enough to try things that weren't part of their medical school curriculum. However, I have one question: When they were doing their research, where did they get enough patients willing to say, "You want to put leeches on my body? Sure, go ahead. Let me put another quarter in the meter."

I guess these are the same people who are happy to oblige when somebody says to them, "This smells awful. Do you want to taste it?" Their ancestors were probably guys who said, "Forget the canary. I'll just go into that mine by myself and take a deep breath."

Obviously, gross things like leeches and maggots are not the only old cures being used today. There is a whole resurgence of folk remedies and "alternative medicine" going on. Acupuncture, herbs, and aromatherapy have become part of the way Americans are treated for physical problems. Old-fashioned approaches are "in" again. "An apple a day" is part of the medical vernacular once again. I take one of the oldest medicines around – an aspirin --every day to maintain good cardiovascular health. One of the best modern therapies for all kinds of things is not some high tech regimen -- it's walking in fresh air. Fruits, vegetables, garlic, and bee pollen are all recommended these days. And like generations before us, we are advised to eat plenty of nuts and legumes. I have no idea what a legume is, but I know it was good for my ancestors and it's good for me.

So, in many ways, approaches that are considered "New Age," have been around for ages. Maybe soon, instead of a modern anesthetic, doctors will give us a shot of whiskey and tell us to bite down on a bullet. Some day, my doctor might hand me a prescription that says, "Starve a cold and feed a fever." Maybe, once again, we'll start using mustard plasters for muscle strains and frog poultices for treating angina. Maybe medical school catalogs will include courses like, "Chanting Away Evil Spirits 101."

I think it's great that the medical profession is now open to trying old-fashioned things. But no matter how bold doctors get, I doubt that they will ever return to one ancient medical procedure that we could all embrace. Many of you have never heard of it. It's pronounced just as it's spelled. It's called "the house call."