Intelligence Report

"MODERN TIMES"

INTELLIGENCE REPORT

Lloyd Garver

Everybody is proud of their children, but those who feel they have to brag about how smart their kids are belong in a whole other category. You know the type. If you're talking about the price of gasoline, somehow they manage to sneak their kid's SAT scores into the conversation. They bring up how teachers can't keep up with their kid, or how their adult child's intelligence has led to him becoming a zillionaire. These people believe strongly in heredity. They reason that if their children are geniuses, they must be geniuses, too.

Bragging Parents are like this from the moment their children are born. And I've never noticed any correlation between the actual intelligence of the child and how brilliant the parent thinks the kid is. You might be visiting them and their baby when they say, "I can't believe how smart she is. Watch this." Then they wave their hands in front of the poor kid's eyes while saying, "bye-bye" over and over again. Eventually, the baby rubs her eyes, and then the parents shout, "Look! She's waving." Or they might brag, "He's so advanced that he's talking already!" Then they say "mama" or "dada" a couple of hundred times, and if the baby makes any noise at all, they expect you to confirm its skill as an orator. They think any behavior merits a boast: "She's so smart. We leave the room, and right away she starts crying." They expect you to respond by saying that she will probably be enrolled at Harvard by the age of ten.

While Bragging Parents are firm believers in genetics, Bragging Pet Owners believe more in environment than heredity. How else can we explain their preoccupation with their pet's alleged intelligence? The only way they can share the glory is if they feel that the reason their pet is so smart is because it has been around such a smart owner.

Like the Bragging Parent, the Bragging Pet Owner will often have an entirely different perception of Spot or Foo-foo than one that corresponds with reality. You may hear things like, "My dog is so smart. I put the food in his bowl, I don't say anything, but right away he eats it."

Sara Fenwick of St. Augustine, Florida is very impressed by the intelligence of her goldfish. Her pet is a plump, 14-inch fluorescent orange goldfish whose name is James G. Fish. It's not clear whether Sara named the fish, or whether he thought of it himself. She recently brought James on television to show the world how smart he is. However, when she asked him to perform before the camera, James balked. All Sara could get him to do was follow her hand across the water. Sara explained that James was tired and nervous.

Several experts have their doubts about James, and don't believe that he could be as smart as Sara says he is. But "experts," used to think the sun revolved around the earth. I don't doubt Sara's explanation. I'd get nervous being on television, and I don't spend my days in heated water with fake little treasure chests and sunken ships. If Sara says James G. Fish is brilliant, who am I to say he's not? Maybe pets really are super-smart, and at some point in the future everyone will respect their intelligence. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if some day when that kid who couldn't say "mama" grows up, people will walk away after meeting him commenting, "He's as smart as a fish." Won't his parents be proud then?