Political Olympics

"MODERN TIMES"

THE POLITICAL OLYMPICS

Lloyd Garver

The television broadcast networks can't be happy with the low ratings of the Democratic Convention. There's no reason to assume that the Republican Convention will be any more popular on television. However, the Olympics are expected to have a huge audience. So, don't be surprised if someday soon, the networks combine the political conventions with the Olympics.

It will probably seem like a natural to those executives who give us things like, "Growing Up Dahmer" or whatever their latest "reality" series is called. Both the Olympics and the Presidential elections are held every four years. Sports and politics have a lot in common. For example, stretching is something that athletes do with their muscles before they compete. Stretching is something that candidates do with the truth while they compete. Women's wrestling is a new sport in the Olympics, but has been going on for a long time in American politics as women continue to fight to have some input and voice in their party. And softball is not just a game played in the Olympics; softball involves the kind of easy questions that reporters ask if they want to keep being invited to fancy cocktail parties or for rides on candidates' jets.

So, maybe it's not that far-fetched to view Presidential politics as another version of the Olympics.

The MARATHON is a long, brutal race, testing each entrant's physical, mental, and spiritual being. Some drop out before the finish line. Some never recover. In politics, this is called, "The Presidential Campaign."

PRELIMINARY HEATS aren't watched by many people. That's where the Democrats stuck Jesse Jackson and Dennis Kucinich and may wish they stuck Al Sharpton.

DRUG TESTING is something that has become necessary in Olympic competition. It may become necessary at political conventions as more and more delegates, dye their hair, paint their faces, wear silly hats, and whoop like maniacs every time their state is mentioned.

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING might have inspired SYNCHRONIZED TESTIMONY, as President Bush and Dick Cheney insisted on testifying together at the 911 hearings.

BALANCE BEAM – The Republicans might not enter anybody in this event, since it would be hard to top John Kerry's balancing act of being both for and against the war.

BIASED JUDGING – For years, Soviet bloc judges were accused of favoring their own, and in the 2002 Winter Olympics, a French skating judge made a decision that was so obviously biased that it was embarrassing to the world. Obviously, the Florida recount and the Supreme Court decision follow in this Olympic tradition.

A RABBIT – is someone who rushes to the lead in a long race, sets a ferocious pace for the other runners, and then when he can't keep it up, drops out of the race. In future Olympics, these racers may be referred to as Howard Deans.

THE 100 METER DASH -- is one of the shortest Olympic events, lasting around ten seconds. Expect to see about the same amount of time at the Republican convention devoted to explaining why the economy is "good" now.

GYMNASTICS provides a model for many political events. At the conventions, "floor exercises" are the exercises that important politicians go through down on the floor, when they shake hands and pretend to listen to delegates they don't really care about. The "parallel bars" are those two bars across the street from the convention halls where the real decisions are made. And the "triple somersault with a twist" is what John McCain does as he explains how he can still support George Bush.

SHOOTING at targets is an old, Olympic sport, requiring great skill. Shooting at innocent birds in front of photographers is something politicians in both parties do to demonstrate that they are manly and American.

One of the most popular things on the Olympic broadcasts are the emotional "UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL" features. In these, the audience learns that through determination, sacrifice, and family support, the athlete overcame enormous hardships. Politics has co-opted this, and both parties show us how their candidates have overcome their personal hardships of family connections, wealth, and Ivy League educations to get to where they are today.