"MODERN
TIMES"
THE RIGHT CHOYCE FOR VICE PRESIDENT
By
Lloyd Garver
I heard that Laura Bush wants to take a second honeymoon, but George says he won't go unless Dick Cheney can come with them.
Okay,
I didn't really hear that, but it's the kind of silly joke that's being bandied
about these days regarding the Vice President's importance. The fact that people regard the office of
the Vice President as important today has great historical significance. The first Vice President, John Adams, said
that it was "the most insignificant office that ever the invention of man
contrived or his imagination conceived." President Truman
painted a more vivid picture, saying that all the Vice Presidents in history
"were about as useful as a cow's fifth teat."
But
all that's changed. Now it's a big deal
to be Vice President. I'm not just
saying that because of all the attention Dick Cheney has been getting. Many people think whoever John Kerry chooses
for a running mate could determine the outcome of this year's election. All of this got me thinking about one of the
most entertaining former Vice Presidents -- Dan Quayle. In fact, I've come to the conclusion that if
Kerry wants to win, he should choose Dan Quayle as his running mate.
I
know that the so-called "experts" have recommended other people for
the job. John McCain was suggested on this very website. But Quayle just might be the answer for
Kerry. First of all, Quayle has the
experience. So, he knows where the
office is, he knows the guy who parks the cars, and he knows where they keep
the snacks. It would be a quick
learning curve, and he could get right to work.
Dan
Quayle was mocked by Democrats and abandoned by Republicans. Like many famous people in history, it's
quite possible that he was just ahead of his time. Why do I think his time is now?
Let's see: He railed against Hollywood and the "cultural
elite." He often spoke of morals and family values. He was mocked for not being able to spell
"potato." People laughed at
the difficulty he had in putting a sentence together. He had trouble admitting mistakes and backing down from previous
statements. His critics called him stupid.
His friends called him passionate. Some said he was a spoiled, rich kid
who had everything handed to him.
Others said he came from a tradition of service. Doesn't all this sound
just a little familiar?
In
2004, intellectualism is out, and bumbling is okay. Today if Dan Quayle said
the same kinds of things he said when he was in office, like, "We're going
to have the best-educated American people in the world," or
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between mother and
child," the voters would embrace him.
They'd laugh it off, and say he was a "regular guy, just like
us."
If
Kerry picked Quayle, one thing is for sure -- there would finally be some
quotable statements coming out of the Democratic camp. I can't think of anything that Kerry has
said recently. Can you? Even if he said, "I think my running
mate is an idiot, and I disagree with everything he says," we'd finally
know where Kerry stood.
It
would be a brilliant tactic. Having a
running mate he disagrees with philosophically and politically would be an
amazing innovation in American politics.
Criticizing Quayle would be a clever way for Kerry to attack the
policies of a popular wartime President without seeming
"unpatriotic." The Democrats
could point to the Kerry-Quayle ticket as proof that everyone is welcome
"in their tent." They'd say, "We can disagree about everything
and still be on the same team."
Who would be the Great Uniter then?
I'm telling you, Kerry-Quayle can't lose.
Some
of you may feel I made a few leaps in logic and common sense in this column.
But, to quote Dan Quayle, "I stand by all the misstatements that I've
made."