"MODERN
TIMES"
JUST SAY WHAT YOU MEAN
By
Lloyd Garver
More and more, people don't say what they really mean these days. Our language has become filled with euphemisms. Also, when two words should be sufficient, five are used. Arcane words have replaced simple ones. People "interface" at meetings, "revisit" ideas, and are "risk averse" when it comes to finances. All this is intentional. It's a way of obscuring the truth, of making things seem less harsh. We're used to some of it. We know better than to believe people when they say things like, "The check is in the mail," or "I'll get back to you as soon as I can." But things have gotten worse. Obfuscation and verbosity have replaced directness and veracity in the current vernacular promulgated by politicians, educators and common citizenry alike. If you don't believe me, just re-read that last sentence.
So, I thought I might perform a public service by providing a glossary for what passes as today's English.
BUSINESS-SPEAK
WHEN
THEY SAY WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN IS
"Accounting procedures" --------"Ways to cheat"
"I don't recall"---------------"I already shredded everything."
"Synergy"----------------------"Collusion"
"We are revectoring------------"You're fired."
portions of the
company."
"We are downsizing."------------"You're fired."
"We are offering you --------------"You're fired."
early retirement."
When they actually say, "You're fired," what they really mean is, "We've checked with our lawyers. You're out of here, and we dare you to sue us."
--------------------
MEDICAL-SPEAK
WHEN THEY SAY---------------------WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN IS
"Appointment"--------------------"An opportunity to wait until
the doctor feels like seeing
you."
"A few more minutes."------------"You have time to read the
entire "National Geographic."
"Cutting edge procedure"--------- "Your insurance won't cover
it."
"Discomfort"---------------------- "Pain"
"Procedure"----------------------- "Surgery"
"Fairly Routine Procedure"-------- "Major Surgery"
"Routine Procedure"---------------- "Something experimental and
dangerous."
"Latest medical research"---------- "This week's guess."
When they say, "We did all that we could under the circumstances with the knowledge that we had at the time," what they really mean is, "We blew it."
-----------------
GOVERNMENT-SPEAK
WHEN THEY SAY------------------------ WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN IS
"Accountability without stifling------ "Let the big guys keep
the entrepreneurial spirit." cheating."
"Social conscience"-------------------- "Public opinion polls"
"A candidate with a good record."------"He hasn't been indicted
yet."
"We've got them on the run."------------ "We have no idea where
they are."
"A heightened security level-------------- Act like you
alert this weekend." normally do. We
just need to scare
you every so often
so you'll let us get
rid of more civil
liberties."
When they say, "We've discovered new covert threatening
activities in the region, but we aren't at liberty to divulge the details," what they're really saying is, "We've got to start this war soon before everyone starts blaming us for the economy."
----------------------------
SCHOOL-SPEAK
WHEN THEY SAY------------------------ WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN IS
"Fluid curriculum"------------------------- "We don't know what
we're doing."
"Developmental, not age-
driven learning."-------------------------- "What do we care
when your kid
learns to read?"
"Challenging instructor"--------------------"A bad teacher we
just can't fire."
When parents say, "You won't learn anything if we help you with your math homework," what they really mean is: "I don't remember what the hell a cosine is."
---------------------------
PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP-SPEAK
WHEN THEY SAY------------------------ WHAT THEY REALLY MEAN IS
"We'll get together soon."--------------- "Stop calling me."
"I have to get up early-------------------"I never want to see
tomorrow." you again."
"The kids never gave me your -------------"I didn't feel like
message." calling you back."
"Let's prioritize."----------------------- "Let's do the things
I want to do."
"I'm listening."--------------------------- "I'm trying to
watch TV."
"You're in denial."----------------------- "You're disagreeing
with me."
"I'm still processing what
you said."--------------------------------"I forgot what you
said."
"That's a good color for you."-------------"Have you gained
weight?"
"Hey, Buddy, it's great to ---------------"I have no idea what
see you." your name is."
And, of course, if a relative of yours says, "You can always stay with us if you'd like," what they're really saying is, "There are plenty of nice hotels near our house."
--------------------------
Obviously,
these are just a few examples. Maybe
I'll revisit this topic at a future date in time. In the meantime, if you have
examples that you want to share with me and other readers, just send them in
via the email address below. I'll get
back to you as soon as I can. Really.