Scents and Nonsense

"MODERN TIMES"

SCENTS AND NONSENSE

Lloyd Garver

When you buy a magazine these days, most of the time you don't just get a magazine. You get cologne or perfume -- whether you want it or not. I don't want it. Why do magazines have to smell like perfume now? What's wrong with them smelling like magazines?

I know I can easily rip the paper perfume container from the magazine. However, that never stops the magazine from smelling like the perfume. That's a great mystery. If any of us puts on a dab of cologne on a hot morning, there's a very good chance that by the end of the day we won't exactly smell like that perfume or cologne. However, they put some perfume in a magazine, toss it onto a plane, fly it across the country, throw it onto a truck, then dump it onto a newsstand where it sits for week. Then we bring it home, and we can't get that cologne smell out of the magazine no matter what. Evidently, perfume companies' Research and Development Departments now make sure that the scents they create last longer on paper than on people.

This phenomenon first started with women's magazines. I rarely read these magazines, and didn't think that perfume in them was necessarily inappropriate. However, soon free samples of scents were added to all kinds of magazines. The darkest day came when they were included in my copy of "Sports Illustrated." I couldn't believe it. This was a magazine dedicated to sports. Rough, tough, hard-fought sports. How am I supposed to read a story about a bloody, sweaty boxing match while sniffing something called "Eau de Lilac?" How am I supposed to summon up the memories of the smells of fresh-cut grass on a baseball field or the popcorn and hot dog aromas in a stadium while I'm inhaling Chanel?

Our preoccupation with over-perfuming things extends to things other than magazines. There are perfumed candles, perfumed soaps, and your car can smell like a pine forest if you want. I don't get it. Soaps already smell nice and fresh. I like the natural, waxy smell as a candle burns. And cars smell just fine as they are.

People also seem to be using more and more artificial aromas on themselves. They have every right to do so. But why do they have to use so much? One of the most annoying things today is to shake hands with someone who has splashed a gallon or two of his favorite cologne on his face that morning, and then for the rest of the day your hand smells like his face.

I knew the "Let's Not Have Things Smell Like What They Are, But Have Everything Smell Like Perfume" movement had gone too far when I learned recently that they now make colognes and perfumes for babies. Yes, babies. These products are sold with names like, "Baby Babar" and "Le Petit Prince." The manufacturers are suggesting that parents use "eau de toilette" on babies even before they know how to use the "toilette." What seems particularly weird about this latest development is that babies naturally smell so good. Who doesn't like to hug a little infant, and inhale that sweet, innocent smell? The only way a baby's aroma is ever improved is with a diaper change. In fact, if you could bottle a baby's natural smell, you could probably make a fortune. Oops! I never should've said that. Now some "genius" is going to read this and then try to bottle baby essence. On second thought, those people probably don't read this newspaper. It doesn't come with perfume. Yet.