"MODERN TIMES"

DON'T BE AFRAID OF YOUR OWN SHADOW

By

Lloyd Garver

The "Washington Post" recently revealed that there is a "shadow government" hidden in two underground locations on the East Coast. Until now, I had always thought that the people in Washington were the "shadow government." But this shadow government supposedly exists in case of an emergency that might render the "real government" in Washington D.C. powerless. It's hard to know if this story is true. Let's face it, the last time the "Washington Post" brought us an expose, they claimed that Nixon was up to no good.

It's probably not a bad idea to have these people in hidden bunkers "just in case." But it is weird. Government officials go off to these hidden locations, and they are not even permitted to tell their families where they're going. Obviously, we can all rest easily, because these 150 individuals have promised not to tell anybody, and why would we ever expect anyone in government to break their promise?

It's natural to wonder exactly what these people do in these bunkers, but I figured out the answer. According to the "Post," there weren't enough phone lines in the bunkers, so they ordered some more. So, what these shadow officials are doing is what we all do -- waiting for the phone guy to show up. The phone company probably told them that the guy would be there between 10:00 and 5:00. When they called back to say that he hadn't shown up, they were told that the truck broke down, and that they're not the only bunker on the installer's route. And after the phone guy finally shows up, what about him? Do they make him promise not to tell anybody what's going on, too? I hope they make him "cross his heart", because when he stops for a few beers with the guys after work, it's going to be awfully tempting to tell them he just installed 10,000 phone lines in a cave.

According to the "Post," the computers in the bunkers were "several generations" out of date. So, once those new phones are installed, our shadow government people are going to be spending a lot of time on hold, waiting for technical support from the computer people. I'm afraid that instead of listening to important instructions from people in Washington, our guys in the bunkers are going to be hearing things like, "Your call is very important to us. Press one to receive information in the mail, Press 0 to speak to an actual human who will then accidentally disconnect you," etc.

The whole idea of a shadow government is strange. Are these people just kept up to date, or are they making decisions, too? Maybe that statement a Cabinet Member made last week that you thought was ridiculous was actually the work of some shadow official. Maybe the people up in space are shadow astronauts, and the real astronauts are playing cards in Cape Canaveral.

Having a "shadow person" would be great. In fact, I think everybody should have one. If we have a leaky sink, but our plumber can't make it here because it's late on Friday afternoon, maybe he could send his shadow instead. Wouldn't it be nice for kids if, once in a while, a shadow kid could do their homework for them? And who wouldn't like it if there were shadow spouses who could go to boring dinners when real spouses would rather stay at home?

Maybe you feel like this shadow thing is not something to joke about. Maybe you disagree with everything in this column. That's okay with me. I didn't write it. My shadow did.

Lloyd Garver's 'Modern Times' can also be seen in the Opinions section at cbsnews.com. He can be reached at lloyd@lloydgarvermoderntimes.com"