"MODERN
TIMES"
SILVER BULLETS AND TARNISHED EXCUSES
By
Lloyd Garver
The other day, I drove down to Fantasyville, the town where that big news story happened. (By the way, in Fantasyville, there is no traffic, and gas costs 75 cents a gallon). Anyway, as you probably know, what happened in Fantasyville was that an angry Mr. Jones purposely drove his Buick into Mr. Smith's living room.
Mr. Jones has been a danger to Mr. Smith for many years. He even shot holes in Smith's canoe back in the days of the previous mayor.
The first person I spoke to there was Connie Wheat, Assistant to the Mayor. The following is a transcript of the interview:
ME: It's a
beautiful day, isn't it?
CONNIE: I
wouldn't know about that. Weather's not
my area. You could check with...
ME: That's okay,
Dr. Wheat. Do you believe this attack
could have been prevented?
CONNIE There was
no silver bullet that would have prevented the Buick from driving through that
picture window. We would have just been
swatting flies and shaking the trees since we didn't have any actionable
intelligence due to the structural impediments which have existed historically.
ME: What does
that mean?
CONNIE: I'm
sorry, that's classified. Let's just
say it didn't help that the City Police Department hasn't talked to the County
Sheriff's Office since before Lincoln grew his beard.
ME: Mr. Smith
says that he received a threatening letter that he turned over to the
authorities.
CONNIE: That
document was not a threatening letter.
ME: Could you
please tell me the title of the document?
CONNIE: The
title was, "Threatening Letter Regarding Driving a Buick into Mr. Smith's
Living Room."
ME: And you
didn't consider that a threatening letter?
CONNIE: No.
There was "no who," "no when,” and "no why," so when
it came to acting on it, "no way."
Next, I went to talk to the Mayor and the Vice Mayor.
ME: Mr. Mayor,
I appreciate your talking to me, especially since you've already had your
annual press conference.
MAYOR: You can
ask me any questions you want. Just
don't expect me to answer them.
ME: Do you
always do interviews together?
VICE MAYOR: I'm
sorry, but that's classified.
ME: Many of my
readers wonder if you insisted on being together because you wanted to keep
your stories straight. Some even speculated that you might signal each other.
(THE VICE MAYOR
SIGNALS TO THE MAYOR THAT HE SHOULD RESPOND)
MAYOR: That is
nonsense. There's no reason for
signals. I've rehearsed my part so many
times I know it by heart.
(THE VICE MAYOR
SHAKES HIS HEAD "NO" TO THE MAYOR)
VICE MAYOR: Uh,
what the Mayor means is that since we are both going to speak the truth, there
would be no reason for us to collaborate on our stories. Besides, most of the information is
classified. Or will be after you ask
about it.
ME: Everybody knew that Mr. Jones was a danger
to...
VICE MAYOR:
Look, we can't stop every 1987 taxicab yellow Buick going 90 miles an hour with
a shotgun-toting nut-job at the wheel.
What if we had stopped him and he had just been rushing to get his pregnant
wife to the hospital?
ME: Your former
chief of police, Richard Cluck has apologized for not doing more to get people
like Mr. Jones off the street. What
would be the harm if your administration and the previous administration just
said you're sorry that it happened, everyone should've done more, and you're
going to do your best to make sure nothing like this ever happens again?
MAYOR: That
would set a dangerous precedent. If my
predecessor and I apologized, then people would expect politicians to apologize
every time we make a tragic mistake.
(THE VICE MAYOR
NODS HIS HEAD, APPROVINGLY)
Somewhat discouraged, I sought out the smartest man in town
-- 93 year old Solomon Wiseman.
ME: You've seen
so much in your lifetime, what's your take on how the administration has dealt
with this tragedy?
WISEMAN: They
probably dealt with it the same way any administration would have.
ME: So, you're
a pessimist?
WISEMAN:
"Pessimist?" Are you
kidding? I'm 93 years old and just
bought a car on time.
ME: But it
sounds like you don't believe there's a chance in the future for something like
this to be handled in a better way.
WISEMAN: Oh,
there's a chance. All we have to do is
get people involved who will cooperate with each other rather than compete,
take some initiative rather than cover their butts, and accept responsibility
for their actions rather than point fingers at everybody else.
ME: And where
are we going to find people like that?
WISEMAN: I'm
sorry, that's classified.
ME: I'm sorry, too. Very sorry.