"MODERN
TIMES"
WHAT AMERICA REALLY THINKS
By
Lloyd Garver
Great news! The results for last week's Garver Poll are in. I was very pleased by the number of people who participated, proving that Americans like to give their opinions (and that I might not be the only person who will do just about anything to avoid work). Regarding the accuracy of the poll, remember I have no background in statistics whatsoever. I've never even been all that good at subtraction – especially when a 9 or a 0 is involved. If you are looking for a poll that is statistically accurate, you should check out a real CBS poll or some other legitimate survey. If you just want to have fun, keep reading.
Here are the questions that were asked. The answers in BOLD, ALL CAPS, AND UNDERLINED are the ones that most people gave.
a. Vote for one of the
major party candidates?
Or
b. Ask, "Why am
I voting today instead of in November?"(61%)
ANALYSIS: Maybe this proves that you can't fool all the people all the
time, except in November.
2. Which do
you think might actually be connected to something:
a. That button
you push to supposedly make the red light change to green faster?
Or
b. The
voting machine where you cast your ballot? (55%)
ANALYSIS:O% felt that voting machines were connected to traffic signals.
3. What do you think is the bigger "whopper?"
a. Barry Bonds
has never knowingly taken steroids?"
Or
b. President
Bush saying, "Donald Rumsfeld has been a superb Secretary of
Defense?" (86%)
ANALYSIS: AT 86% to 14%, finally the president is ahead again in one poll.
4.Which would put you to sleep faster:
A. An explanation of the new tax forms? (70%)
Or
B. Listening to a John Kerry speech?
ANALYSIS: NOBODY volunteered that they would be able to fill out their tax
forms while listening to John Kerry.
5. This summer, which are you more likely to spend $25 on?
A.
Bill Clinton's new autobiography?
Or
b. A gallon of gas? (82%)
ANALYSIS:"FULL SERVICE" HAS BECOME SO
EXPENSIVE THAT MOST OF US GO FOR “SELF SERVICE,” EVEN THOUGH WE END UP SPILLING
SOME GAS ON OUR SHOES."
6. When you are a guest at someone's house for the first time,
are you more likely to:
A. Try to
figure out how they could possibly afford the place? (75%)
Or
B. Go through their medicine cabinet?
ANALYSIS: AMERICANS are more interested in what their
friends put in their pockets than in their bodies.
7. Right after a job promotion, would you rather run into:
A. That ex-lover who said you'd
never succeed?
Or
b. That old teacher who said you'd never succeed?
(68%)
ANALYSIS:Americans might get over tragic love affairs, but we don't forget
teachers who picked on us. Especially
ones who were mean and made our parents come to school and didn't let me
explain that i didn't… never mind.
8. Now that "Friends" is over, do you care...
A. More than words could
describe?
Or
b. Slightly less than when I learned that ZIP codes were going to
add four more digits? (96.42%)
ANALYSIS: surprisingly, OVER 96 percent of people who
responded didn't care much about "Friends" going off THE AIR. This
suggests that either there is something wrong with my survey or with the
Nielsen ratings. I think we all know
the answer to that one.
Because the poll was so popular, I have decided to continue this feature from time to time. This week, I'm only asking you one question.
THIS WEEK'S GARVER POLL QUESTION
In a press conference over two months ago, President Bush was asked what his biggest mistake had been and what lessons he may have learned from it. The President couldn't think of any mistakes immediately, and said, "I'm sure something will pop into my head … Maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one." He still hasn't come up with one.
Do you:
A. Think the President deserves more time to think of a mistake?
Or
B. Think he should have been able to think of a mistake by now?
I promise to count every vote, and I assume that you will treat your answers with the same seriousness that I treat the questions.
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