Too Much Money

"MODERN TIMES"

TOO MUCH MONEY

Lloyd Garver

Nobody came forward to claim the 13 million dollar Texas Lottery prize last week. Some people assume the ticket was lost or that the owner forgot about it. I think what happened was when the winner saw that the prize was $13 million, he decided he didn't want it because $13 million is just too much money.

I've got nothing against getting rich, but getting rich this fast without working for it has to cause problems. Sure it would be nice to have a few million in every pocket, but who would want to deal with that really long income tax form? Also, you'd probably feel compelled to watch those financial shows on T.V. where young men and women take time out from talking on their cell phones and drinking lattes to tell us why we should care about the price of Bolivian tin.

All of a sudden, you'd have people calling you who haven't talked to you in years. Whenever you'd go out to dinner with friends, you'd be in a no-win situation. If you pick up the check, you're a show-off. If you let them pay, you're cheap. You could no longer participate in the office pool. What would be the point? You could no longer join your friends when they're complaining about ridiculously high prices. Let's face it. Those old friends of yours are history. You'd have to get a whole new group of friends -- people whose shoes cost more than your old car.

If you think you have a lot of stress now, it would be 13 million times worse if you won. You'd have thousands of decisions to make every day. Think of those sleepless nights, tossing and turning on those new silk sheets. No longer would you fall asleep quickly, exhausted from your tiring day of work. No, you'd just lie there and worry about things like:

I can't keep all that money in a regular savings account, but where do I put it? Is this new friend sincere or is he or she just after my money? Which charities should I contribute to? Which friends and relatives should I help out? Is it okay to buy a couch at a place that doesn't also sell TVs?

What seats do I sit in for a basketball game -- ones where I can see the games and have fun, or fancy boxes where the game is on T.V. and waitresses serve me Chinese chicken salad? What am I going to do all day tomorrow after I call up and razz those people from high school who gave me a hard time? Now do I have to pretend that I like chilled soup and bitter lettuce?

No, getting $13 million for doing nothing is no picnic. (A picnic, by the way, is exactly the kind of event that you could no longer attend. Nobody is going to want to have a partner for the three-legged race who could buy the whole park with pocket change). Maybe it would be okay to win a million or two, but anything more than that is going to mess up most people's lives. So, I salute that wise person in Texas who decided not to destroy his or her life by claiming the money.

Obviously, I shouldn't generalize. There are some people who can handle sudden wealth, and others who can't. If you are ever unfortunate enough to win more money than you think you can handle, I have a suggestion. Just send the winning ticket to me, and you'll never hear about it again. And I won't charge you a dime for this service. Why would I? I know about the evils of ill-gotten wealth.