"MODERN
TIMES"
DEAREST FRIEND, FAMILY MEMBER, ETC.:
By
Lloyd Garver
Every year, we all get a few of those Christmas letters from
people instead of cards. You know the
kind I mean. They talk about what a
"challenging" year it's been, and chronicle events like children's
achievements, home improvements, and the sender's ailments. Our
friends and relatives can't be the only people who send them each year. Some famous people must mail out holiday
letters as well. Here's what excerpts
from some of those letters probably look like:
FROM BRITNEY
SPEARS:
It's been a challenging year, what with the
war going on and that sore throat that I had.
But right now is my funnest time of the year. However, Madonna, my idol
and mentor, has shown me that it's also a time for reflection. She has taught me that following a spiritual
path is just as important as wearing jeans with a perfect rise. Sometimes watching the news is so yucky, but
we can't ignore those who are less fortunate no matter how gross they are. I've been racking my brain trying to think
how I can help people. And then it came
to me, and I was like, "duh."
People all over the world will be happier if they just listened to me
sing and watched my videos. And
everyone can buy them at their nearest mall.
Or if it's too dangerous for them to go outside, they can get them
online. ...
FROM BILL CLINTON:
It's been a
challenging year, but an uplifting one.
When we had the power blackout here, it was truly inspiring to see the
way everybody came together to help each other. But maybe if you're not a New Yorker like we are, y’all can't
comprehend the spirit of New York.
But I'd be lying if
I said I didn't miss the White House.
-- and everybody knows I'm a bad liar.
So I’m hoping that Hillary will run for President soon and get us back
where we belong. I can't put my finger on it, but I just feel like I lost
something in that big ol’ house. Oh,
now I remember. It was my integrity.
Happy holidays,
Bill
FROM PRESIDENT
BUSH:
It has been a
challenging year for the country and for our family. However, both remain strong.
My mother, the beloved Barbara Bush, wrote a book this year. She did a great job. I enjoyed every chapter that Laura read to
me.
Debates are
constantly going on in this great country of ours about some of my policies,
and that's perfectly healthy. All
Americans have a right to express their opinions, and I have a right to ignore
those who don't agree with me. But I am
a uniter, not a divider. So at least
during this time of year, let's all try to put our differences aside. With that spirit in mind, let me just issue
this holiday wish: "Peace on earth, Goodwill to all heterosexual
men."...
FROM THE EDITORS OF
THE NEW YORK TIMES:
... so it was a
challenging year for us as we put our house in order. But the country and the world have also had many challenges this
year. Fighting continues in Iraq and
neighboring countries, and so far, Mr. Bush still has not found either Mr. Bin
Laden or Mr. Hussein. So, all the
editors here hope that there will be peace in the coming year. And we wish you a happy holiday season
whether you observe in your own personal, secular manner, or if you celebrate
Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, or the birth of Mr. Christ.
FROM JAY LENO:
... so, it's been quite
challenging to entertain during this difficult year. And entertaining people is all I care about. I'm not interested in the whole competition
thing. I don't care how many babies
Letterman has. I'll still be Number One.
On a personal note,
the rumors are true. I am going to have
an operation in the near future. It's
become necessary to have my lips surgically removed from Arnold
Schwarzenegger's butt. ...
FROM MICHAEL
JACKSON'S FAMILY:
Don't ask.
©