Yule Be Watching

"MODERN TIMES"

YULE BE WATCHING

Lloyd Garver

The number one rated television show in New York City on Christmas morning consisted of a simple picture of a Yule Log burning in a fireplace. Nothing else for two hours. Seasonal songs accompanied the picture, and the show on local channel WPIX-TV beat the nearest competition by almost 100,000 viewers. This was not the first time a hit television program showed no evidence of acting, writing, or directing -- but it was probably the first time the producers admitted it.

Just when critics were declaring television dead, Yule Log TV came along to save the business. Once again, that old adage comes to mind: "If you put quality television on, people will watch it."

Obviously, this particular Christmas was a time that many New Yorkers found the fireplace scene comforting. Unfortunately, this will not be the way television executives view the success of the show. Judging by how they have acted in the past, they will just see that presenting a burning log to the public was a hit. So, we will probably see many attempts to duplicate this success.

Soon, we will be seeing logs burning in fireplaces all year long. Programmers will expect us to come home from a hot summer day, flip on the air conditioner, turn on the TV and try to get in the Christmas spirit.

Next, the networks will probably imitate the Yule Log's success by trying the same thing with other holiday symbols. The Flag Day show is a no-brainer just waiting to be exploited. The same goes for Mother's Day and Father's Day. If you don't watch those pictures of Generic Mom and Dad, you'll feel guilty for life. For Valentines Day, they could have a box of chocolates melting on a table for a couple of hours while romantic music plays in the background. On April 15th, Tax Day, they could show a stack of tear-drenched cash accompanied by a funeral march. The video for the Thanksgiving Day Special would be a shot of a delicious turkey dinner, while the audio portion would be the sounds of people over-eating and occasional lines like, "I don't care if she is your favorite aunt, if she criticizes my cranberry sauce one more time, I'm going to kill her."

It won't take much time after this before producers realize that the Yule Log is not the only inanimate object that can be photographed. Watching grass grow is a natural for spring programming, while watching paint dry can be shown all year long. Do-it-yourself enthusiasts may be transfixed for hours watching and listening to a faucet drip. There can be cop shows that display a badge and a gun while the audience hears sirens and an occasional, "You can lawyer up if you want, but then we can't help you." A medical show could consist of a picture of an IV bag, accompanied by words like "stat" and "infarction." Those of us who are Situation Comedy fans would get to see an empty living room/dining room/kitchen combo while a laugh track blasts from the speakers.

Eventually, some programming whiz will decide that this kind of writer-less, actor-less, director-less television can be done even cheaper. They won't even need a camera. They'll simply broadcast a snowy picture with the sound of static. It will provide a nice little light, people will be able to do other things like read or talk while they watch it, and the sound will often lull them to sleep. In other words, it won't be all that different from some things that are on TV now.